


because i've seen you and i know you and i’m not going anywhere

by jocelynfray



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: F/M, Ficlet Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 21:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6824563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jocelynfray/pseuds/jocelynfray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of several unrelated Lucelyn drabbles, some in aus, some not, it varies. Title comes from Penny and Sparrow's "Duet", which pretty much describes their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. honeymoon. sort of.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is one i originally posted in 2014 so it's obviously book!verse (hence why i tagged all media types and not just the show). Post-COHF. Fun fact: this is the first Lucelyn fic I ever wrote.

Jocelyn was lounging on the couch trying to read (key word trying), but she was mostly wondering where her husband was because really, it’s their sort-of honeymoon. They couldn’t go anywhere special, they both need to be near New York to help Clary assimilate Simon into the Shadow World after all, but they could spend two weeks at Luke’s farmhouse. It was nice, she’d always liked the serenity of being here.  
She smiled upon hearing the door open, boots stomping on the inside mat. 

“Take your shoes off, I am not cleaning any mud off the floor.”

“Yes dear.” and she could hear the smile in his voice, _god_ she loved him.

She put her book aside and sat upright so he could sit next to her, leaning against him when he sat down.

“Where were you?”

“On a walk. Why, did you miss me?”

“A little.” she replied smiling slightly.

“Nice knowing I’m appreciated.” he pouted, taking mock offence.

She didn’t reply, moving her head off of his shoulder, looking up at him before grabbing the back of his head, pulling his lips to meet hers kissing him softly. He responded in kind, wrapping his arms around her pulling her closer to him. She broke the kiss, straddling his lap, her legs on either side of him before kissing him again, harder this time nipping at his bottom lip. Luke was a bit caught off guard by this, he was not expecting their kisses to go in this direction but he had no complaints, running his hand along the hem of her shirt. She reached down and took his hand guiding it under her shirt to her right breast, and she loves him but sometimes he’s a bit too chivalrous with touching her. He ran his hand over the fabric of her bra, and she groaned into his mouth, arching her back, breaking the kiss to move his hand off of her breast, unstrapping her bra pulling it out from under her shirt.

She kissed him again, gasping into his mouth when his calloused hands slid up her shirt, meeting her now bare breasts and _fuck_ , she loved it when he touched her, she loved him god she loves him so much it’s hard to fathom at times.

He ran his fingertips over her hard nipples, enjoying the little noises she made into his mouth. He could hardly believe some days that this was his life, that she loved him, that it all wasn’t just a perfect dream he never wanted to awake from.

She broke the kiss, leaning her forehead against his locking eyes with him.

“I love you.” she whispered, inwardly smiling at the way his eyes always lit up whenever she said those three words.

“I love you too.” he replied, and he was looking at her like she was the most important person in the world to him, the way he’d always looked at her but she hadn’t realized it for most of her life. It was more open now, as opposed to when they were children and he’d hidden it (not very well, but she’d been too blind to realize it).

“Bedroom?” she suggested, aware of his hard-on pressing against her thigh.

“Yeah, bedroom.” he affirmed, removing his hands from under her shirt as she got off of him, pulling him into their room with a smile on her face.


	2. he's still her best friend above everything else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From here on out it's show!verse. This was a month before the show aired and is pretty G rated. It's just something about how Luke's her best friend and that's never going to change no matter what else they become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried while writing this, course it was near that time of the month so i blame hormones.

Jocelyn sighed, slumped on one of the counter stools and laying her head on the kitchen counter. Business was pretty slow at work, which wasn’t that surprising as antiques weren’t exactly a booming market. It was just really frustrating, and she was stressed and tired and just wanted to not exist for a while, free herself of all the pressure. Sitting in the dark was the closest she could get to that.

She heard the door open and groaned, turning her head towards the noise and seeing the outline of Luke walk in, hanging up his coat on the rack after turning on the hallway light. She closed her eyes, too emotionally drained to keep them open, hearing his keys drop into the keybowl then felt his breath on her face. She opened her eyes, finding herself looking into his as he laid his head on the counter, looking at her.

“What’s up?”

“Just…slow day at work. Again. It’s frustrating…”

“Sounds like it. Want to talk about it?”

“Not right now.”

“You hungry? Your breath smells like you haven’t eaten in a while.”

Joss sighed, nodding. She’d had that bad taste in her mouth for a while now but didn’t have the energy to make herself something, and she didn’t feel like talking to people so ordering food was out.

“Want me to order takeout?”

“Yes please. Something light, not feeling Chinese. Maybe a salad or something…”

“Okay.” He sat up, grabbing his cell phone from where it laid next to the keybowl the counter, dialing the number and ordering the food while rubbing her back gently with his other hand.

Once the food was ordered, he gently ran his fingers through her hair, just sitting next to her.

“Want me to turn the lights on?”

“No…I’m just…I’m tired. I’m really tired and I wish I could just not exist for a while, you know? Like be temporarily dead or something.”

“Wouldn’t you get lonely if you didn’t exist though?”

“No…you’d be with me.”

“So we just wouldn’t exist together?”

“Mmmhmm…just for a little bit though, not forever.”

“Naturally.” He laid his head down on the counter again, and she moved forward a bit so their foreheads were touching.

“Remember back in Idris, when we’d just…go off somewhere away from everyone? And you’d let me paint you, and I’d help you with your runes and we’d just…talk about anything?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“I was just…so glad that I had you. I remember thinking that as long as I had you everything was going to be okay.” She could feel her eyes welling with tears and when she blinked, a few fell down her cheeks creating a little puddle on the counter. “You’re my best friend, and I really really love you. You’re just-you’re _everything_ , and I know I don’t say it enough but I’m so glad you’re my friend.”

Luke moved his hand from her hair, reaching down to wipe her tears away. “I’m glad you’re my friend too Joss.”

She nodded, sitting up and wiping her eyes. He sat up too, watching her.

“I just…I love you, so much and I don’t even mean this in the romantic way, I love you so much it _hurts_ sometimes, and it feels like-like I’m going to just drown in it. It just fills me up sometimes and I-I feel like I can never really express how much I love you. Having sex isn’t enough, kissing you isn’t enough. Hell, being married to you doesn’t even come close to expressing it, and I-I just love you.” She burst into tears at that, sobbing into her hands and she didn’t even know why, what she was saying wasn’t even close to being sad, and here he was, pulling her onto his lap and stroking her hair as she buried her head in his chest, sobbing into his button down.

She vaguely heard him murmuring into her hair “You don’t have to say anything, I _know_ Joss, believe me I know.” through her sobs.

Once she’d stopped crying she pulled back, her nose stuffy with snot and he handed her a paper towel. She blew her nose, putting the paper towel on the counter and resting her head against his chest.

“You’re my best friend in the whole wide world, and I love you to Mars and back.” She felt him chuckle at their childhood saying, kissing the top of her head.

“You’re mine too, Joss.”


	3. your scars don't scare me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also a month before the show premiered. Rated E, trigger warnings for past abuse/mentions of self-harm and semi-graphic descriptions of how those scars happened. Kind of AU cause said scars aren't canon, and as this is before the show it took some elements from the books.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I could put one fic in a time capsule, it would be this fic. This is the one I'm most proud of.

“Leave the light on.”

Luke froze with his hand on the light switch, turning to look at Joss. Since their relationship had made the leap from platonic to romantic, whenever they’d had sex or done anything intimate Jocelyn insisted the light be off (he knew why, he could feel the scars on her breasts whenever he touched them, he couldn’t ignore the way she’d freeze for a moment every time he touched her inner thighs). He’d never seen her body before, only knew what it felt like.

“You sure?” he asked, walking away from the light switch and standing in front of her from where she sat at the foot of the bed. She was the only one of them still dressed, he usually stripped all the way before turning off the light so she could strip in the darkness.

“Yes. I…I think it’s time you see what you’re dealing with.” She unbuttoned her pants, but before she pulled them down she looked up, locking eyes with him. “I just need you to look at me. You don’t need to say anything, you don’t need to touch me if you don’t want to, just look.”

“Okay.” He nodded as well to show he understood.

Joss nodded, taking a deep breath as she pushed her pants down to her ankles, quickly followed by her underwear. Then she pulled her shirt over her head, dropping it on the floor, unstrapping her bra and letting it fall on top of her shirt.

Then she spread her legs so he could see her thighs, laid down on the bed and waited, fixing her eyes on a spot on the ceiling.

She felt his eyes go to her breasts first, taking in the slash marks from the knife. It might have even been the same one Valentine gave him to kill himself with, she wasn’t sure really. Only thing she remembered of that night was blood and pain and the shame of it all. (No, that was a lie she wished was true: she could remember everything).

The first scar his eyes were drawn to was the most noticeable, going from her nipple down to the underside of her right breast. Valentine worked for hours on every little cut on each breast, placing them just so, not even leaving her nipples unscarred, cutting tiny little marks into her areola. The real beauty was in the valley between her breasts. He’d carved his initials, V.M., vertically in a place he _knew_ she’d never be able to ignore, seeing as it was where she’d Marked herself the most until that night. On her left breast, he’d worked painstakingly hard to match the scars on her right cut for cut, a kind of sick symmetry. She’d managed to ignore the pain as he recreated his handiwork, focusing instead on the discomfort that came with having her wrists and ankles bound to the bedposts. Other than the physical pain, her most prominent emotion was that of utter shame and maybe if she hadn’t been so physically affectionate with Lucian earlier that day, this wouldn’t be happening right now, her husband never would have doubted her fidelity. When he was finished, not one piece of skin on her breasts was whole.

Then, he started on her inner thighs. He wouldn’t hurt her cunt, he needed that for his own use, but he’d hurt the path leading up to it. The first thing he did was mark his property again, carving V.M. horizontally into her right inner thigh, inches from the only part of her that seemed to matter to anyone. He made sure to carve it big and bold so no one could ignore it, especially not her. Then he did the same to her left, recreating the initials perfectly. He alternated between thighs, matching cut for cut, seeming to take pleasure in the blood seeping into the sheets, marring her skin with his knife, leaving nothing untouched. She never forgot what he said afterwards, kissing her almost tenderly on the lips, as if he hadn’t just been torturing her for hours.

“It’s for your own good, Jocelyn. Now the only man who will ever want you is me.”

Then he untied her, got a warm wet cloth, and gently cleaned her cuts, bandaging them, telling her that if she hadn’t slept with Lucian, he never would have had to do this. That it killed him to have to hurt her like that but it was _necessary_.  
  
He carefully helped her out of the bed and dressed her in his favorite white nightgown of hers, changed the bedding, and carefully helping her back in after everything was clean. That night as he held her in his arms, he whispered into her ear that if she tried to iratze herself, or tell anyone what had happened, he’d kill Lucian, and make it look like a suicide. So she kept quiet, and never so much as showed anyone her scars.

Until now.

She heard Luke clear his throat and she cautiously met his eyes. She hoped he’d be able to ignore the scars on her thighs, that he’d still be able to go down on her, but she knew her breasts were a lost cause. He’d never be able to look at them again, much less touch them. Hell, he probably won’t be able to touch _her_ again.

“Can I kiss you?”

That was not what she expected.

“Um, uh, sure.” _‘It’s probably a goodbye kiss. He knows just how broken I am now, he won’t stay. He can’t love me that much’_ she thought, sitting up as he knelt down to kiss her. He leaned forward slowly, kissing her gently and this didn’t _feel_ like a goodbye kiss, with one of his hands tangling in her hair and the other gently pushing her back onto the bed, laying down next to her. When he broke it, he leaned his forehead against hers, locking eyes with her.

“This doesn’t change anything. What that monster did to you was wrong, and vile, and you didn’t deserve it.”

Jocelyn was stunned. This was the opposite of what she expected. She didn’t know what to say, she was completely caught off guard by his words and the lack of disgust in his eyes, and the fact that he was _still here_.

“You still want me?”

She saw something akin to sadness in his eyes when she asked that, but wasn’t sure as it was gone so quickly.

“Yes, _of course_ I still want you. I still want you and I still love you. Please don’t _ever_ doubt that.” He took a deep breath to calm himself, rubbing her scalp lightly with the hand still in her hair. “Your scars don’t scare me, Joss.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

She swallowed hard, leaning forward to kiss him, relieved when he kissed back, when he moved his hands to her waist, when he pulled her on top of him.

“Do you want me to put something on before I fuck you? So you don’t have to look at my breasts.”

He shook his head, rubbing the skin on her waist gently. “I _want_ to look at them. And touch them, if you’ll let me.”

“But my scars-”

“I told you, they don’t scare me.”

“But they’re disgusting.”

“No they aren’t, not to me.”

She swallowed hard, choking back tears of relief as she positioned herself above him, locking eyes with him as she sank down on him, moaning softly. She couldn’t look at him as he gently touched her breasts, closing her eyes and focusing on riding him, resting her hands on the headboard for balance.

She didn’t deserve this man, she didn’t deserve someone who could see the monstrosity that was her body and still want her. Of course, she’d never really deserved him. She was cold and unfeeling while he felt everything and wasn’t ashamed of showing it. He wasn’t ashamed of anything, and she wished she could be more like him in that regard.

She gasped when he stimulated her clit with his hand, and it felt amazing but she knew she wasn’t going cum tonight, everything was too much and she couldn’t focus on the pleasure she was receiving without also thinking of her scars and how he was looking at them, seeing them for the first time and he had to be lying, he had to care about the scars.

As soon as she felt him jerk against her, she waited till his breathing slowed to get off of him, feeling his cum start to drip out of her as she settled beside him. They laid next to each other, catching their breath.

“Did you cum?”

“No. Too much on my mind.”

“Like what?”

“You. My scars.” She looked at him, taking a deep breath before asking “Do they really not scare you? Don’t lie to make me feel better, I have to know.”

“They don’t scare me.”

“Do they disgust you? Even a little bit? If you’re repulsed by them you can tell me.”

“The man who did that to you disgusts me. _You_ could never disgust me, and I could never be repulsed by you.”

They fell silent, both lost in their own thoughts. After several minutes Luke spoke.

“You don’t have to tell me, but…why did he do that to you?”

“He thought I was cheating on him. I wasn’t. He didn’t believe me.” Her voice sounded emotionless to her ears, which was fitting as she felt numb, like she wasn’t really here with Luke, like she was back _there_ , feeling the knife cut into her skin.

“Who did he accuse you of cheating with?” Luke had a feeling he already knew the answer, but needed to hear her say it.

“You. And really…it’s my fault. He never would have hurt me if I hadn’t been so affectionate with you. He never would have accused me of cheating, and if I’d have been a better wife I wouldn’t have given you that much attention.” She paused, lost in her memories of that night. “He was so angry…I’d never seen him that angry before.”

Luke realized that she was flaring, those were very clearly Valentine’s bullshit justifications. He gently took her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers and squeezing lightly to ground her in reality, to let her know that she’s safe, knowing he just had to wait it out.

Jocelyn went silent then, closing her eyes and focusing on the weight of Luke’s hand in her own. _‘It was worse that it was you. You were his parabatai, I was his wife, we belonged to him. He hated the thought of us belonging to each other, of you touching what was his. He said no man but him would ever want me with my scars, but I’m not stupid. I knew the only man he wanted to make sure never wanted me was you.’_ she thought. Maybe someday she’d tell him how much Valentine would have despised seeing them like this, how it would have filled him with rage, but now…she didn’t want to give him yet another reason to associate their intimate acts with Valentine. Her scars and copious sexual baggage were enough reminders.

After a while Luke couldn’t take the silence, saying “You’re wrong. Joss…he didn’t do this to you because he was angry, or as punishment for thinking you cheated. He did it to make you feel like shit. He _planned_ this, the assumed infidelity was an excuse. He would have scarred you anyway with some other bullshit reason justifying it. It’s not your fault.” If it was anyone’s fault, it was his. He hadn’t hidden his feelings well enough, Valentine must have known…

Joss nodded, trying her hardest to believe him. She hoped he was right, that it wasn’t her fault.

“Would you like me to go down on you?”

She turned to look at him then, confused as to why he’d want to. “You know what my thighs look like now.” she pointed out as if that was all the reason he’d need to never go down on her again.

“Yeah, I do. Doesn’t change the fact I love going down on you.”

“Why do you want to go down on me right now though?”

“Because you didn’t cum, and you made the rule that whenever we’re intimate we both have to get off. And as I just said I love going down on you, so naturally that would make us both happy. But only if you want me to.”

“I want you to.” _‘I always want you to’_

Luke positioned himself so he was leaning over her, kissing her gently on the lips, slowly working his way down her jaw. He peppered kisses all the way down her neck, sucking a bit on her collarbone, pausing before gently kissing the top of her left breast, palming her right with his hand. Joss was surprised by this; she’d expected him to skip her breasts entirely, go straight to her thighs. Why would he want to give them any attention?

She moaned as he sucked her left breast, treating it as he always had, like it was the appetizer to his last meal, teeth grazing her skin and she put her hand on the back of his neck, pressing lightly.

He switched breasts, now giving the right the same treatment he’d given the left, running his tongue over her nipple and sucking on every inch of skin, his hand kneading her left breast and oh _fuck_ , this always felt so good, especially because he seemed to genuinely enjoy it.

Then he stopped, and Joss braced herself for the pain of his teeth biting into the signature as he made his way down the valley between her breasts, because surely he couldn’t be tender there, another man’s initials carved into her skin.

Instead she felt feather light kisses all the way down to her navel, and she nearly wept. She moved her hand from the back of his head to her chest, running her fingers over the initials, still wet with his kisses and for a moment she didn’t hate her skin or her scars. How could she when he’s being so good to her?  
  
She breathed deeply as he gave the same treatment to the signature on her thighs, covering every inch of those blasted letters with his kisses, before moving down to suck on her other scars. Her nails gripped his shoulders, bucking her hips slightly, _needing_ him to move his mouth up just a _little bit more_. Thankfully he took the hint, slipping his tongue inside her and oh _god_ , she was never going to get used to that.

His hands went up to her breasts, palming them lightly as he slowly swirled his tongue inside her, savoring every moment.

She could feel her cum start to drip out of her, coating her thighs and his chin and oh _shit_.

“Stop.”

Luke’s mouth was off of her as soon as she spoke, and as he met her eyes she saw that yeah, her cum was already shining on his chin.

“Something wrong?”

“No-well yes-ugh. Do you, um, you know those times when, uh…” she trailed off, feeling herself start to blush. _‘For fuck’s sake! You’re an adult woman, you have sex with your kind-of-boyfriend, you should be able to talk about it without turning into a stumbling mess! You’re pathetic!’_

“Yeah?” He looked at her expectantly, waiting patiently for her to find the proper words.

She took a deep breath and started again, running a hand through her hair nervously. “You know those times when I cum and uh…I kind of gush, and it’s a big mess and everything gets soaked?” Her blush deepened as she explained, struggling to keep eye contact with him she was so embarrassed.

Luke nodded. Those normally happened when he was inside her, and she was always so embarrassed when it did happen. He didn’t see why though, it was really flattering for him.

“Well um, this is going to be one of those times, if you couldn’t already tell. So if you still want to keep going, we should prepare for it. If you want to stop though that’s okay, I get it.” Those types of orgasms were so messy, and she’d never had one of those when he was going down on her before. If he didn’t want that mess on his face she completely understood.

“I definitely still want to keep going.”

Joss nodded, relieved when her blush started fading. “Ok, then um, could you get a towel from the hamper? No wait, get two just to be safe.”

He nodded, getting up from the bed and going to their closet, reaching into the hamper that was by the door and getting out two towels. Joss moved onto her side so he could put them on top of each other on the bed, then settled herself on top of them.

Luke laid down on the bed again, positioning his head between her thighs.

“Ready?”

“Yeah.”

Luke slipped his tongue inside her, more than a little flattered by how wet she was already. He could feel her fluids start to leak down his chin, and he moaned against her, moving his hands up to her breasts, rubbing her nipples gently with his palms, gripping her breasts softly with his hands. He felt her nails start to dig into his back again, her hips grinding into his face. He focused on the scratch of her pubic hair rubbing against his chin as he slowly moved his tongue inside her, reveling in the breathy gasps it produced from her.

Joss couldn’t think, she was overwhelmed with the pleasure humming throughout her body. She was too sucked up in all the _good_ she felt to be embarrassed about how she was practically humping Luke’s face and being louder than she ever had before when he went down on her, almost-moans passing her lips. His hands squeezing her breasts rhythmically as he ate her out only added to the pleasure, and all too soon she felt all the tension in her body release, the towels getting soaked with her fluids. As she relaxed her body, she felt Luke’s tongue slip out of her, moving his mouth down to clean up her cum coating her thighs. She covered her face with her hands, feeling her cheeks grow hot as the embarrassment set in. She _hated_ when her body betrayed her like this. Only wanton women came that much.

“Stop, please stop.” Luke’s tongue immediately moved off of her inner thighs, and he looked up, seeing her face in her hands. He moved his body up so he was laying next to her, cautiously touching her wrists lightly.

“Joss? Is something wrong?”

She realized that by covering her face, it might look to him that she was crying, so she quickly removed her hands, letting him see that she was just really embarrassed and not upset. Fixing her gaze on the sheets, she mumbled “I’m not supposed to cum that much.”

It was only thanks to his werewolf hearing that he heard what she said. “What do you mean, you’re not supposed to cum that much?”

She forced herself to look at him, grimacing when she saw how much of her fluids coated his chin. “I mean, that’s too much. It’s not _right_ to have gushing orgasms, or to feel that good.”

Luke understood where she was coming from now. Their old lives had had very strict rules for sex and pleasure. Mainly, that sex was for procreation, and pleasure is something that was given to the man. Women weren’t the priority, except when it came to getting them pregnant. “I like it when you have gushing orgasms. It’s flattering to know you want me that badly, that I turn you on so much, and I _love_ making you feel so good.”

“But it’s so messy. And…I’m not used to having them with another person. They happen sometimes when I’m getting off, which isn’t as embarrassing cause it’s just me and I’m the only one who knows, but when it happens with you…you get messy too, and if that’s not embarrassing enough you help clean _me_ up, and I don’t deserve that when I made the mess in the first place.”

Luke couldn’t help laughing a bit at that, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. “I _like_ those kinds of messes. Cleaning you up is fun.” Especially cause he had an excuse to use his tongue on her thighs after cumming inside her.

Joss didn’t quite believe him, but decided not to press the subject, leaning up to kiss him tasting herself on his lips and _this_ was one thing she didn’t mind about getting him messy, running her tongue over his chin, trying to clean his stubble to the best of her ability, enjoying the scratch of it on her tongue. She ran her tongue down his neck, laughing slightly against it as she sucked on it gently making sure to get as much of herself off of him as she could while trying to control her laughter.

She felt _him_ start to laugh then, his throat vibrating against her mouth, and she took that as a cue to stop, removing her lips from his neck. She groaned, the wetness of the towels finally registering with her. Quickly she got up, pulling the towels off the bed and putting them back in the hamper. “How damp are the sheets?”

Luke ran his hand over the them. “Just a little. Not that bad, really.”

Joss nodded, crawling back into bed and settling her head on his collarbone. They laid in silence for a few moments, his arm around her holding her close. She traced his scars on his chest with her fingers, straying near the one close to his heart.

He forced himself to relax as she touched his scars. He wasn’t used to anyone else besides him touching them, and a part of him wanted to snatch her fingers away from them. All they did was remind him he was less-than-human, battle wounds from killing pack leaders and getting into fights with rogues. He hated what he became every month, and he hated Jocelyn touching what had been carved into the wolf. “I hate them.”

“What?” Jocelyn was jarred out of her own thoughts at his voice, looking up at him.

“My scars. I hate them.”

“Why?”

“Because the only reason I have them is because of _it_ , because of this thing inside me, this _monster_.”

Jocelyn sat up when he said that, shaking her head vehemently. “Don’t ever say that. You are _not_ a monster. I wouldn’t let you touch me if you were.”

“But I am. I’m a literal monster.” Luke didn’t understand why she couldn’t see that.

Jocelyn was starting to get angry now, twisting her hands together furiously to avoid acting on her temper. “Lucian Garroway, you are _not_ a monster, you hear me? The man who carved his fucking name into my skin is a monster. You know what he did to me, you know how much he ruined me. You may turn into a wolf every month but you would _never_ hurt me like he did.” She felt tears welling in her eyes, and angrily wiped them away when they fell with the next blink of her eyes. “So just, don’t call yourself a monster again, please. I get that to you, your scars are just a reminder of what you turn into, but to me? God, they remind me of how fucking brave you are, how you-you’d do anything to protect the people you care about. Protect _me_.”

Luke stayed silent, processing what she told him. He never knew she felt that way, and it hit a cord with him, knowing that the scars he hated so much were seen as marks of bravery by the woman he loved.

Jocelyn took a few deep breaths, trying to gain control of her emotions and stop her tears. His scars were about _him_ , not her fucking feelings, and she’s a bad partner for making them about her.

After she got control of herself, she laid down next to him, reaching out slowly and running her fingers over the tiny scars on his lower right arm. These weren’t like the others; they were horizontal, and very clearly self-inflicted. She was pretty sure she was the only person who knew they existed, seeing as he normally wore long sleeved shirts for work and they weren’t that noticeable to begin with.

“What about _those_ scars, Joss? They can’t make you think of how _brave_ I am.” He felt bad immediately after he said it, wincing at the mocking tone in his voice.

Joss forced herself not to feel hurt when he mocked her. His self harm scars were a touchy subject for him, it’s natural he’d go on the defensive. “I hate them. I wish they didn’t exist. I know that you weren’t trying to kill yourself, but knowing you hurt yourself at all…that hurts me, Luke. And I know you did it at a dark time in your life and it probably seemed like it helped at the time but it hurts seeing those marks on your skin.” She hated how she kept going back to _herself_ and _her_ feelings about his self harm. This wasn’t _about_ her, she was being selfish by making it about her.

“Then don’t look.” he snapped, pulling his arm away from her touch. He didn’t like her looking at his scars or touching them, and he certainly didn’t like hearing about how much looking at them hurt _her_. They were his scars, he didn’t look at her scars and tell her how much they hurt him.

“Sorry.” _‘Don’t be a baby. He’s allowed to be pissed at you, you were being a selfish bitch anyway’_

“ _Sorry._ ” he repeated, obviously mocking her. Is that all she knew how to say?!? “God, you’re pathetic.” Luke immediately regretted the words as soon as he said them, wincing and wishing he could go back in time and stop himself. _‘Woah, where the fuck did that come from?!? This is bad, that was out of line oh fuck this is bad’_

Joss froze when he said that. He’d _never_ been that cruel to her before. Hell, she couldn’t remember a time when he’d been cruel to her, period. She quickly moved out of his arms, grabbing the sheet and pulling it around her, turning her back to him and moving to the other end of the bed. It really hurt, hearing her best friend call her pathetic.

Luke sighed, running his hand over his face. He fucked up, he fucked up _bad_.

He slowly moved over to her, carefully putting his hand on her back. “Joss, I didn’t mean that. You’re not pathetic, I don’t know why I said it.”

She stiffened under his touch, moving away from him. “Don’t touch me.”

That really hurt. He immediately removed his hand from her back, not sure of how to fix his mistake. He knew he could take the easy way out: she was so vulnerable he could easily convince her that it was her fault he’d snapped at her, that if she hadn’t been such a bitch he wouldn’t have had to say that.

But he could never do that, it was _wrong_ , and exactly what Valentine had done to her.

Joss didn’t know what to think. She knew deep down that Luke didn’t really mean it, that he’d just been angry and for once in his life lost his hold on his practically superhuman willpower. But she was in a very vulnerable place as it was, her scars literally out in the open, and all the insecurities that came with them. She didn’t _really_ believe him when he said he didn’t mind them. Hell, she didn’t really believe a lot of the sweet things he said about her. Like how he says he loves the way she tastes or thinks her hands are gorgeous. Honestly, only thing she did believe was that she didn’t deserve him.

They laid there in tense silence, Luke frantically trying to come up with a way to unfuck his fuckup and Jocelyn trying to sort through her feelings about what he’d said.

Finally Luke spoke. “Jocelyn…shit, look. I don’t think you’re pathetic. You’re just, you’re amazing, okay? You’re amazing and I love you and I was way out of line. I never should have said that, it’s not true, just because I said it doesn’t mean it’s true, okay? Because it’s not. You were trying to relate to my scars and tell me what you thought of them. I mean fuck, I’m the one who _asked_ you what you thought of them, and you were just being honest with me and I went and threw it back in your face. I know how hard it is for you to talk about your feelings and be open with people, and I’m so honored that you can be that way with me.” He hesitantly moved a little closer to her, sighing. “I’m so sorry, Joss.”

Jocelyn listened to his apology, and he sounded like he was being sincere. She _knew_ Luke, down to her very bones and she knew he wasn’t the type to bullshit an apology just to makeup or whatever. Whenever he apologized he always meant it. She slowly turned around to face him, meeting his eyes, the sheet still pulled up to her chin.

“That was an awful thing to say.”

“Yeah, I know. I was being an ass, I’m-”

“Sorry, I know.”

She moved closer to him, stopping till they were a few inches apart. “I know you didn’t really mean it. Tonight has just been…hard, for me, and I’m not really in the best headspace.” She leaned forward, kissing his cheek lightly. “I forgive you.”

Luke smiled, not moving to embrace her just yet. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes.”

He gently pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head lightly. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” she yawned, unrolling the sheet from around her body and pulling it over both of them. “Turn the light off please?”

“Sure.” he got up and turned the light off, closing his eyes so they’d adjust to the darkness before making his way back to the bed. He settled into it, wrapping his arms around Joss’ waist as he spooned her, one of his legs thrown over both of hers.

“You comfy sleeping like this? Just cause you usually put clothes on before bed.” He wasn’t sure if it was cause of her past trauma or cause she felt she couldn’t trust him. Hopefully the former.

“Yeah. Clary’s not here, she’s not gonna walk in on anything she doesn’t want to see. You know what I look like now, no use in hiding it.”

“So…it wasn’t because you didn’t trust me?”

She turned around in his arms, eyes wide. “What? No, of course not! God Luke, do you think I would let you sleep with me if I didn’t trust you not to rape me?”

Well when she put it like that, it _did_ sound like nonsense.

“No.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t. I trust you completely, I always have.” She couldn’t believe he’d thought she didn’t trust him, it was ludicrous.

“Okay then. Glad that’s cleared up.” He was glad to hear that she trusted him completely, made him feel really nice.

“Yeah. Any other crazy ideas you wanna run past me?” she asked, only half joking. If he had any other thoughts like that, she wanted to put them to rest.

“No, not really.”

“Good.” She moved out of his arms, laying down on her back before positioning her head on his chest, feeling him move an arm so it was under her back. Last thing she wanted was him accidentally rolling her onto her back when he inevitably partially covered her with his body while they slept. She pulled the sheet over both of them, closing her eyes.

“They don’t scare me either, you know.”

“What?” Luke didn’t bother opening his eyes, pulling her closer with his arm.

“Your scars. They don’t scare me either.”

Luke opened his eyes then, looking down at her in the darkness, just able to make out her face. “Good.” He leaned down and kissed her shoulder, whispering “I love you.” into her skin.

“Mmm…love you too.” she mumbled, snuggling into his arms as sleep overcame her.

This wasn’t at all how she’d imagined this night to go, and for that she was grateful.


	4. we might die tomorrow might as well makeout a little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was actually on the first day of 2016 (only because I posted it at like 3 AM). Rated T, nothing too explicit here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though this was written before the show started, it could weirdly still fit in the canon timeline just on pure coincidence.

Luke sighed, pacing back and forth in his tent. He was worried about Jocelyn. She was living with that man, (no, that _monster_ ), and if Valentine found out she was helping them take him down…Luke didn’t even what to think about what he’d do to her.

She was supposed to meet him 3 minutes ago, and she was late, so naturally he was starting to panic, every worst case scenario going through his mind. She couldn’t be lost, she’d been to the werewolf encampment before and his tent was the biggest, something had to have gone wrong. Maybe Valentine found out, maybe-

“Hi, sorry I’m late. Took me a while to leave, had to wait for him to go to a meeting.”

He turned towards her, seeing her push open the tent flap and walk in, cloak wet from the steady rain. He immediately walked over to her, gathering her into his arms for hug before she even got her cloak off, resting his chin on her head. He needed to know that she was really here and safe with him. She returned the embrace, wrapping her arms around him. After a few minutes, she pulled back.

“You okay?” She was usually the one that instigated hugging, not him.

He looked down at her, nodding. “Yeah, I just…you were late and I thought…” He couldn’t finish, the concept of her dead or hurt was too horrible.

“Well I’m not. I’m okay, and so are you.” She smiled, stepping back from him as she took her cloak off.

“Yeah.” He smiled, taking her cloak from her and hanging it over a chair, hopefully it would dry at least a little. “So is everything okay over there? You don’t think he suspects do you?” he asked, turning back to her. She’d taken a seat on the small sofa he had in his tent (perk of being pack leader).

“I don’t think so, or at least he doesn’t seem to.”

Luke nodded. “Good.” He went over to her, sitting beside her and gently taking her hands, sitting crosslegged and facing her. “You sure you still want to do this? If he finds out, Joss…god, I don’t even what to think about what he’d do to you.” He’s not sure he’d be able to live in a world without her in it.

She leaned her forehead against his, stroking the back of his hands with her thumbs. “He won’t. You worry too much.”

“I just…I don’t want to lose you. I _can’t_ lose you. You’re the best part of me.”

“No, I’m not. Don’t say that. You’re kind and good and my best friend. If anything it’s the other way around.”

He snorted unbelievably at that. “Bullshit. You’re perfect.”

She moved her forehead off his, shaking her head. “Am not.”

“Are to me.” Immediately he turned his head away from her, wincing inwardly. That was too much, might have given himself away.

She blushed at that, it was such a sweet thing to say, then leaned forward to kiss his cheek. At that moment he looked back at her to apologize and their lips met. They froze, stunned, but neither pulling away. Then she kept kissing him and he kissed her back and suddenly she was in his lap, subconsciously grinding against him, her tongue down his throat and one of his hands was on her waist holding her flush against him, the other tangled in her hair. _‘Is this really happening right now?’_ Luke thought, unbelieving. It couldn’t be a dream, those involved less clothes.

Then she broke the kiss for air, and the reality of what they were doing set in. Luke was suddenly very aware of his erection against Joss’ thigh, blushing in embarrassment and hoped she wouldn’t notice.

Jocelyn got off of him, not looking at him as she smoothed down her hair from where it had gotten tangled from his hand. There was a very awkward silence for a few painful minutes, him shifting his legs to make his erection not so noticeable, both of them avoiding the others gaze.

Finally Jocelyn spoke. “Let’s just…forget that ever happened. I’m ovulating right now, that’s probably why I reacted like that. I’m still married and it’s wrong.”

Luke nodded, meeting her eyes. “Yeah, I mean it didn’t mean anything. It’s been a while for me, um, sorry for grabbing you like that. Forgetting would be best, yeah.” Well, pretending to forget. There was no way he’d ever forget what it was like to kiss her, have her tongue in his mouth and her in his lap, his hands in her gorgeous hair.

“Yeah…” _‘It had been really nice though.’_. She’d never kissed anyone but Valentine before, and Luke…he certainly didn’t kiss like him. He wasn’t possessive, it didn’t feel like he was staking his claim. What he was though, was passionate. She found that she really enjoyed kissing him, but pushed it to the back of her mind. Now was not the time to dwell on it.

“This didn’t fuck up our friendship, did it?” He hoped it didn’t.

“Luke, we’ve been friends since we were twelve. Kissing isn’t going to change that.”

He nodded, relieved.

For the rest of the visit until she left, they stayed strictly on the plans for overthrowing her husband, keeping all thoughts of kissing from their minds.

But, maybe someday, they could talk about it. Someday when Valentine was no longer a threat, and they were both safe. Luke certainly hoped so. At the very least, if they failed in defeating Valentine, he could die happy knowing what it was like to kiss her.


	5. saying "i love you"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this last month, and I don't even know what it is honestly. Set a little after season one, rated G. This was just something I really had to get out, I'm still not over the emotional affair, probably never gonna be over it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah the reason there's such a huge gap (and why I haven't updated my other fics in a while) is cause school started up the day before Shadowhunters premiered and suddenly I had no time to write. But today was my last day of school for this semester so I'll try and update my fics.

They tell each other “I love you” all the time.

Only now it’s different. Before, when they’d tell each other “I love you” there was always a “in-a-strictly-platonic-way” wall up, they couldn’t say it with their real emotions behind it because if they did they were both afraid they wouldn’t be able to stop and their romantic love for each other would spill over into other areas of their lives, and if that happened…Jocelyn knew that if she was with Luke in any way that wasn’t platonic she wouldn’t be able to hold back wanting more, always  _wanting more_.  
  
If she got the physical, she’d want the emotional, and vice versa. And if she got both (which was most likely as Luke probably wouldn’t be able to keep emotions out of sex with her, she knows she wouldn’t be able to keep them out of sex with him), she’d want him with her more often than she did now, only she wouldn’t be able to restrain herself like she did now, which might eventually lead to him moving in, and then it would be next to impossible to keep Clary in the dark with her boyfriend being a werewolf. She’s not sure she could, if she was with Luke. It wouldn’t be fair to him, not letting him have an honest relationship with the girl who was essentially his kid in every way but DNA (hell, it wasn’t fair to him even with her not dating him).

But now that wasn’t an issue. Now they were free to show their love openly and say "I love you" and mean it the way they’d always wanted to. So they said it all the time, it was the first thing said in the morning and the last thing said at night. They’d call each other up just to say it sometimes, which embarrassed Clary and Simon to no end when they were around to hear it but they didn’t care. This was all so new for them and they weren’t about to waste the opportunity.


	6. The Uprising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Jocelyn preparing for the Uprising and talking about their future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated G, maybe T? No warnings here, some light kissing.

Jocelyn adjusted her hood over her head, hoping to get some cover from the heavy rain. She knocked on the cabin door, tapping her foot nervously.

A few seconds later, Luke opened the door and she hurried inside, taking her cloak off and hanging it up on his coatrack. 

As soon as she turned around, Luke extended his arms for a hug.

She fell into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck. She closed her eyes. “I missed you.” she said softly.

He leaned down and tucked his head into her neck, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Missed you too.” he murmured against her skin, resisting the urge to kiss her neck.

Jocelyn sighed, opening her eyes and pulling back to look at him. “How are you holding up? Do you have enough food? Do you need money? Cause I can give you more money if you-”

“Joss, I’m _fine_. I have enough food and money, promise.” he said, gently cutting her off. 

“Okay, just checking.” She dropped her arms from his neck and stepped away from him.

He let go of her waist and, noticing her soaked boots, said “You can take off your shoes if you want, dry them by the fire.”

“Thanks.” She walked over to the fireplace and sat down on the couch. She quickly unlaced her boots and pulled them off, grimacing at her wet socks. “Is there anywhere I can hang my socks up to dry?” she asked, placing her boots by the fire.

Luke chuckled at her expression. “Here, I’ll hang them up in the bathroom.” he said, taking her socks from her and disappearing into the bathroom.

“Thanks.” Jocelyn leaned back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. She heard Luke walk back in, and when he sat down beside her she leaned into him, smiling briefly when he slid his arm around her waist.

Luke broke the silence. “He’s going to try to steal the Mortal Cup, isn’t he.”

“Yeah.” she sighed. “Yeah, he is. He told me he’s planning on doing it when the Accords are signed next week.”

Luke nodded. “And you don’t think he suspects you of working against him?” he asked, looking at her. He ran his hand back and forth over Joss’ hip, trying to calm his nerves.

She shook her head. “No. Doesn’t seem to, anyway.” she said. She sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder. “Let’s say…let’s say we do it. Let’s say we stop Val. What are we going to do after that? What do you _want_ to do to after that?” 

“Honestly?” He felt her nod against his shoulder. “Get out of Idris. There’s nothing tying me here, I want a fresh start.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I want that too. Somewhere far away from the Clave, where no one knows us.”

“Like the mundane world?” he suggested.

“Yes! That’s the perfect place for us!” she said, taking her head off his shoulder and smiling at him.

He smiled back at her for a moment before remembering the realities of their respective situations. “Will you be able to bring Jonathan with us?” 

Jocelyn’s smile faded at the mention of her son. “I hope so. I’ll try my hardest to get him away from Val and take him with us, but Val takes Jonathan with him almost everywhere; he took him to a Circle meeting tonight, even though I asked him not to.” She shook her head, clenching her hands into fists on her lap. “He’s 6 years old! Who takes a 6 year old to a 2 hour meeting?!?” 

“Doesn’t make any sense.” he agreed, nodding. “So um…” he started, changing the subject, “where do we want to live?”

“Well…it has to be a big city; easier to hide in just in case.” she said, biting her cheek as she thought.

“New York?” he suggested, saying the first city that popped in his head.

“New York…that’s a good fit for us. Least I hope it will be.” She smiled at him, and leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Yeah, I think so-” he started to say, turning to look at her when he was cut off by her lips landing on his teeth.

She quickly pulled away, blushing in embarrassment. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to get your teeth.”

“No, uh, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” he assured her, looking away to hide his blush.

“Um…do you want to try that again? Without me kissing your teeth this time.” she suggested, turning towards him.

He sighed, looking at her. “Joss, it’s _wrong_. You’re still-”

“For fuck’s sake, Luke!” she cut him off, fed up with this excuse. “Unless he dies in the Uprising or gets executed, I am going to be his wife until he dies. I mean, can you honestly ever see him signing divorce papers?” 

“…no.” he admitted.

“Yeah. And I want to be with you; I thought you wanted to be with me too.” she said, hoping she hadn’t been wrong about that.

“I do want to be with you! It’s just that if I kiss you, that means he’s right.” 

She shook her head in confusion. “Who’s right? And right about what?”

He sighed. “Valentine. The whole reason he started injecting himself with demon blood was because he thought we were having an affair. And if I kiss you, that would prove him right.”

She nodded to herself. “But…we were having an emotional affair; he’s already been proven ‘right’.” she said, using verbal air-quotes around right. “And even if he is proven right, that doesn’t make it our fault. He made his own choices.”

“I know that.” he said. “It still feels like our fault though.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s really hard, but we just have to keep reminding ourselves that it isn’t.” she said “But Luke…is that the only reason you don’t want to kiss me? Because if you don’t want to be with me, you should just tell me. I don’t want you to feel as if you have to be with me if you don’t want to be.”

“What? No, of course I want to be with you.” he quickly assured her. “I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t want to be.”

“Okay. But this guilt, and you feeling like if you kiss me it will prove Val right…it has to stop. I _hate_ the thought of you always… _associating_ me with him. Seeing me as his wife.” She sighed. “Can you please try and work on that? And I’ll try and work on my guilt too; it’s not just you.” 

She shook her head. “It’s funny; he’s broken most of our marriage vows yet I still feel horrible for being with you even though you make me happy.”

He nodded. “I’ll try. Guess it’s something we both have to work on.”

“Mmmhmm…” She lifted herself up and onto his lap, wrapping her arms loosely around his neck. 

“Well hello.” he teased, smiling at her.

“Hey.” She leaned back against the arm of the couch, yawning. “Shit, Am I crushing you? I can move if-”

“No, I’m fine. You don’t have to move.”

She smiled. “Okay. So, where were in the whole planning-our-future thing…” 

“Well, um…and this isn’t till we get settled and everything, or whenever you’re comfortable, obviously, but…would you like to have more kids?” he asked, blushing slightly.

She blushed at his question. “Yeah. I would love to have children with you, Lucian. But, um, obviously once we have a secure life in the mundane world.”

“Right, yeah, of course.” he nodded, and couldn’t help smiling at her answer. He already figured she’d say yes, but it was nice to have it confirmed.

She smiled at the grin that broke out on his face. “Aw, you’re so cute.” she gushed, and leaned down to kiss him.

He kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her loosely. Just as he was about to deepen it, she pulled back.

“Um, we shouldn’t-we shouldn’t go further than that right now. Not till we’re safely away from here and Val can’t get to us.” she explained, her face growing hot.

“Right, yeah, makes sense.” he agreed. “How long till you have to leave?”

She looked at her watch. “Takes me 30 minutes to get back home, so…I have about an hour left before I have to leave.” She yawned. “If you can set an alarm, we could take a nap together or something.” She got off his lap, stretching as she stood up. “Where’s your bedroom?”

He stood up, yawning as he stretched. “This way.” he said, grabbing her hand and leading her to his bedroom.


End file.
